Voices in My Head

by Jaya Badiga

guest writer

Are law school exams all that they are hyped up to be?  This past semester was my first semester at law school and from day one, I thought I heard all there was to hear about law school exams.  Somehow, it would always be caveated with “but don’t worry, these are mid-terms, so they only count up to 35 percent of your grade.” 

Wait – was that meant to be positive – that if you do well then great it counts up to a third of the final grade, or was that meant to be reconciliatory and uplifting that if you blow it, you can still make it up, sort of?

So here it was, the first exam, Contracts, for which I went through old exams and the ASP practice exam.  I knew the format, knew the time limit and I knew the subject – or so I thought.  As soon as I got the exam and went through the mindless motions of setting up Examsoft, things changed fast. 

The first thing to go was the calm, collected demeanor that I kept up for so long.  I couldn’t stop the voices in my head; they took on a life of their own.  They took over my mind, multiple voices, with personalities of their own…

“Should I do the essay first or multiple choice?” asked Ms. Indecisive. 

“Read the instructions and the time limit,” a voice, Ms. Sensible, prompted. 

“Ok, one hour recommended for the multiple choice, two hours for the exam,” Ms. Knowitall, replied. 

“What did someone say about weighting?” another voice, Ms. Reminder asked. 

“Attempt the questions with the higher weight first,” responded Ms. Sensible, irritably. 

“Okay, let’s read the essay,” Ms. Letsdoit commanded.

“So far so good.  Looks like this will be one party versus the other,” Ms. Optimist jumped in.

“Wait! How long is this fact pattern?” Ms. Panic asked. 

“Four pages,” replied Ms. Knowitall.

 “Ohmigosh!  If it’s four pages long, how many issues could there be?” asked Ms. Panic. 

“Remember, the professor found an issue in almost every line while reviewing the practice exam,” Ms. Reminder replied. 

“So should I count every line and try to figure out how many issues to raise?” asked Ms. Smartalec. 

“Are you crazy?” responded Ms. Sensible.  

“Start reading, that may help,” prompted Ms. Optimist.

“Okay, it appears to be two parties. Got that, let’s name them party A vs. party B.”  “Cool!  I can get started,” said Ms. Optimist. 

“Start with what the parties want,” the voice continued in a patronizing way. 

“Start writing it in one place,” screamed Ms. Letsdoit, trying to be heard above the cacophony of voices.  “Put this down on paper – A wants customer access, B wants money – so far, so good.” 

“Wait, that was a date. Does it have to do with the Statute of Frauds?” jumped in Ms. Reminder.   

“I don’t know, it’s just a date so far,” interrupted Ms. Panic. 

“Make a note,” said Ms. Sensible. 

“You have to read faster,” Ms. Panic cried in alarm.  “Look at the clock, thirty minutes already since the exam started!  Where did the time go?  You’re only in paragraph four of the first page!” 

“Concentrate,” reminded Ms. Focus.

“But wait, they’re still talking about what they will do for each other all the way into Page Two,” alerted Ms. Panic.  “Ok, move to Page Two fast, wait, is that right?  We have another party,” she said in a singsong, hysterical voice. 

“Another party?” echoed Ms. Nervous. 

“Did we discuss multiple parties in class?” Ms. Panic queried. 

“I don’t remember,” Ms. Reminder responded. 

“Wait,” said Ms. Knowitall, “look at the question at the end of the exam.” 

“Yikes – two questions,” answered Ms. Panic.  “I have two essay questions to write?”

“That means one hour per question,” answered Ms. Smartalec. 

“I know what it means Ms. Smarty,” replied Ms. Panic, “but look at the clock, it’s forty minutes into the exam and we’re still on page two.”

Ms. Focus commanded all voices to her.  “Just put down words to paper,” she said.

“Yes,” joined Ms. Optimist, “write anything that comes to mind.” 

“Yeah, start with whether there was consideration,” Ms. Reminder added. 

“Consideration – yes, put down the definition of consideration and equate all the variables with the facts,” prompted Ms. Knowitall. 

“Hello people!?” screamed Ms. Panic, “it’s almost an hour into the exam and you’re still on consideration?  How about some progress here?”

“I’m already a wreck,” replied Ms. Nervous, “and you are not helping.” 

“Will you both just knock it off,” yelled Ms. Focus.  “You’re distracting the rest of us.” 

“Yeah,” added Ms. Knowitall, “as it is, we’re still on consideration.” 

“So move on to the next issue,” answered Ms. Sensible calmly.

“Next issue – didn’t the Statute of Frauds come up?” asked Ms. Reminder. 

“That’s right, nice and easy,” Ms. Focus said, soothingly. 

“You can do it,” added Ms. Optimist. 

“Pen to paper, Statute of Frauds,” Ms. Letsdoit acknowledged happily.

“An hour and a half into the exam and you have just two issues,” screamed Ms. Panic, with urgency. 

“Aren’t we supposed to start the second essay now?” asked Ms. Reminder.

“Yes, but aren’t you supposed to finish the first one before you begin the second?” jumped in Ms. Smartalec. 

“Maybe we should do the multiple choice now,” said Ms. Indecisive. 

“No, finish what you started,” replied Ms. Sensible. 

“Why don’t we start the second essay with the same issues,” responded Ms. Shortcut. 

“Good idea,” replied Ms. Letsdoit. 

“We’re two hours into this and all you have is two essays with two issues each,” cried Ms. Panic.  “You have to move on to the multiple choice,” she advised. 

“No, stay with this, finish what you started,” said Ms. Sensible. 

“There’s still a half hour of flex time,” said Ms. Optimist.

“But that’s for the multiple choice,” said Ms. Nervous. 

“How many questions do we have for the multiple choice?” asked Ms. Sensible.

“Fifteen,” replied Ms. Knowitall. 

“Say we spend two minutes per question, all we need is a half hour,” said Ms. Letsdoit. 

“That’s not enough!” screamed Ms. Panic. 

“Do you have a choice?” countered Ms. Sensible. 

“Why doesn’t someone write something instead of all this back and forth?” asked Ms. Smartalec. 

“Yeah, who’s in charge of writing,” cried one voice. 

“That’s a good question, who’s in the charge of writing,” echoed a few others.  

“I am,” replied a tremulous voice, “but I can’t hear myself think!”